I've been Dumped or Sacked - How to Cope with Breakups, Job Loss & Sudden News

Dr Marianne Trent (: 00:00

What do you do when your whole world flips upside down in a single conversation? Maybe you've just found out your partner's been unfaithful or they've told you they'd like to end the relationship. Maybe you've lost your job, maybe someone you love has given you sudden heartbreaking news. In today's episode, we're talking about how to care for yourself in the eye of the storm without reaching for things which might make it worse. Hope you find it so useful, and if you do, please like and subscribe for more. Hi, welcome along to the Aspiring Psychologist Podcast. I'm Dr. Marianne, a qualified clinical psychologist. Now, one of the most common reasons that people reach out for advice or support even for me as a qualified psychologist, a friend, family member, is when things take an unexpected turn or twist and it can feel like our life kind of gets shattered into a thousand pieces with no warning.

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And of course, news that we receive like this can really impact on ourselves, on the way we see our own identity, on our finances, on our friendships, on our relationships, on everything we thought we knew about the world and whether it was fair or not. These experiences can also really knock our sense of security, make us feel vulnerable, and maybe people are not on our side when they thought they were previously. We might've felt like we've had this scaffolding and then whatever's happened has made you feel like that scaffolding has been broken down. Especially if that's been the first time that's happened to you, it can be a really, really difficult one to manage. And of course, with these incredibly tricky human brains of ours, our emotions can run wild and we might find ourselves fluctuating through all of them. We might feel angry, we might feel sad, tearful, panicked, anxious, despairing.

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All of these are valid and we can absolutely understand why they might crop up, but we need to be able to work through whatever we are dealing with to keep ourselves and those around us safe. So with that in mind, let's think about what not to do first before we go any further. It absolutely makes sense that we would want to feel this distress less. We want to be toning down and turning down the dial on that, and so therefore, it's really common. People will reach for more alcohol than they would usually consume. They might reach for more medication than they've been prescribed. They might reach for unprescribed or recreational drugs where possible. We really want to try to avoid that. What we know about all of these kind of coping methods, ultimately they can stop us from doing the natural healing processes that we need to do, and they might add their own complicated factors as well.

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For example, sleep is so important to all of our human functions. When we are drinking, it means that actually any sleep we are getting is going to be less restful and when we wake up, we will feel likely even worse. So where possible, trying to abstain from alcohol or certainly not drinking any more than you usually would is a really good call. Where possible we want to avoid you isolating yourself completely. Avoid shutting those doors, avoid letting that shame or the guilt kind of really get to you and those shoulds messages about ourselves that others might think creeping in. So we want to kind of deafen the shame really and know that it's in our control to talk about these things with somebody that we do trust. And often we might tell ourselves that we shouldn't tell our parents or our friends or our partner something because they might think less of us.

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But so many times people I've been working with have taken the brave and bold step to tell people things and they've been really surprised by their response in a good way. We often forget to play out the narrative, the version of events where actually we things go well. And so we need to be able to give other people the chance to respond to what we've got to say or to what's happened without assuming that we know what they're going to say. Of course, if they don't give you a favourable or positive response that often says more about them than it does about you, and we're going to look to how we can get you feeling more supported and more validated from others around you. We also really need to resist the urge to catastrophize. Yes, this is deeply emotional, distressing, unexpected, painful, sad, anxiety provoking, but we know that our brains have the ability to fast track and to imagine that the world is falling down around our ears and that everything is out of control.

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And sometimes that's not always the case. So we just need to be able to have the ability to reign that in, to kind of think about the facts of a situation and to know that thoughts that we have are not the same as facts. Okay, what are we going to do to help you in this situation? It might sound really boring, but one of the common check-ins and one of the kind of ways that we can really support the mental health of ourselves and those around us is looking at our sleep, making sure we are eating, making sure we are drinking appropriate fluids. We don't want to be whacking ourselves up on caffeine because again, that is an unregulated drug that is the biggest unregulated drug in the world. So we really need to be drinking water, drinking fluids that are non-alcoholic, trying to make sure that we're giving our body and our mind and our digestive system as well the best chance to function when we're sluggish, when we're eating foods that might be really easy to reach for, but maybe a little bit nutritionally devoid, it can really affect the way that we feel.

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We've got to think about nourishing ourselves and honouring ourselves even if it is in a really crisis situation. If you're getting something that's ready to grab, can you grab a fruit salad? If you're not vegetarian, can you grab a chicken or prawns with a nice dip from a takeaway place? The other day when I was in London and I needed to be able to grab something quickly, I picked up a fruit salad from m and s and then some nice little prawns with a sweet chilli dip and some chicken with a lovely dip, things like that that are really going to help your body to thrive in this really tricky situation that you find yourself in. But depriving yourself of food, depriving yourself of nutrition and of hydration are not the things to control. They are not going to help you in the medium to long term.

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Try to stick to your normal bedtime if you can. Try not to stay up scrolling on your phone or watching junk on TV or YouTube for that matter. Really try where possible even if you're not sleeping to rest at the times when you would usually sleep. There is often a tendency in humans to want to distract ourselves from things that feel really overwhelming and make us feel out of control. Of course that makes sense, but if we're constantly distracting ourselves from the thing that is kind of here right in front of us by looking away constantly or doing something different like cleaning for eight hours, then actually whenever we stop doing that action, it's right there back in our faces again. And that can be really difficult actually. So we need to be doing what we think about from acceptance and control, and that's where we begin to become more comfortable with looking at the thing and tolerating the thing, noticing the thing. Even if we just do that for three breaths in and three breaths out, for example, breathe in through the nose, hold it for a moment, breathe out when you are ready through your mouth.

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And again, hold that. Breathe in through your nose, hold it for a moment. Breathe out through your mouth. When you're ready, hold that out. Breath for a moment. Breathe in through your nose, hold that for a moment. Breathe out when you're ready. So that simple kind of three sets of in and out where you are comfortably holding that thought, that thing, that fact in mind without distracting yourself from it can be incredibly powerful because it tells the body, it builds the distress tolerance, it kind of gives the clear memo, it's okay for me to think about this. It's safe for me to think about this. Whereas if we're constantly distracting ourselves or surrounding ourselves with others or stimulation to avoid thinking about that thing, then it can almost grow. It can feel like it's something so awful that we can't get near it. We want where possible.

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If your body allows to move that lovely body of yours, get out for a walk, go to the gym, go to a dance class, go for a run, even if it's raining, I've actually in the past really loved running in the rain and I've cried in the rain. All of those things, it kind of, I dunno, something about activating the body just for me. And I know from my experiences of working as a qualified clinical psychologist that this kind of interplay, this relationship between our body and our mind can be so protective of our mental health and functioning. We want to reduce stimulation also at where possible. That might mean turning your phone off. It might mean reducing the lighting so that we're feeling less overwhelmed and a bit safer. It might be turning down the noise. If you live in a household where others play music quite often, like I do with my two children and my husband for that matter, who is a drummer, it is just asking them whether we could turn it down a little bit or whether they could use headphones to help you to manage what you are going through and to give you the optimum chance of thriving.

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That said, you might well find it helpful to crank up some music that you know find really energising. This morning I was having a little bit of a dance to Ed Sheeran's Sapphire, whatever it is that helps you connect to the now, but not overwhelm yourself. Sensorily can be really important. We are going to reach out to someone that you trust and if there's no one in your family or friendship circle, we are going to consider reaching out for support lines. There's details on screen and in the show notes, and if it's affecting your mental health or if you can't keep yourself safe, we're of course going to be reaching out for GP accident and emergency relevant crisis support, mental health team lines. But once you've got that person who you do feel that you can trust and it might well be a family member or a friend, we are going to allow them to just hear what we've got to say.

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And that in itself can be incredibly validating to make us feel actually, of course, I'm feeling this way. That makes total sense. Countless times I say to clients that I work with, I think that you're coping exactly as I think anyone else would cope. This is a really difficult situation. This is not an easy thing to endure. And all of the things that you might be experiencing like triggering thoughts, memories, intrusions, feeling tearful, struggling to sleep, all of those things are what I would expect somebody to be feeling. But of course it can feel so overwhelming and so exquisitely painful. But sometimes just getting that validation from someone who gets it or who gets you or both can be incredibly powerful. Next we're going to be finding small moments of control. Can you take even one tiny action? It might be booking a house valuation.

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It might be joining a social group. It might be updating your LinkedIn profile. It could be so many different things, but something that really helps activate your drive system so that it makes it feel like you've got more control and so that more good stuff can happen and it helps you feel less stuck. This might even be something like planning a therapy session or making contact with your gp, something that helps you feel like you've got some hope, that you've got something to focus on to get through this next tricky phase. And these small wins really can begin to stack up and be the difference that makes the difference. That said, of course, when life takes a tumble and it feels like everything's been turned upside down, we're going to need to be able to lean into the sadness. We can't be cheering ourselves up all the time.

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These things have happened and it's of course going to have a big impact on us because we are human. But of course we've valued whatever it is that we've lost or that we've been told we might be losing or that things are changing. And when we've had this status quo in our lives, we begin to think that those things will never change. And when they do, it can make us feel really wobbly, really sad, really anxious and worried about the future. That's really normal. It's okay to cry. It's okay to grieve. Let's not shame or invalidate those feelings. Sadness really doesn't mean that you're broken, it just means that you're human. Finding safe ways to lean into that sadness can be really important, and that might look different for different people. It might look like chatting to a friend. It might look like journaling. It might look like leaving yourself some voice notes, like there's almost no right or wrong things along as you're not hurting yourself or others.

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If it is a relationship that's broken down, we ought to honour the end of that relationship and where possible try to avoid jumping into other relationships too soon too because we need to be able to work through our own complicated feelings. And if children are involved as well, we need to honour and respect and support their feelings about this too. It might just be something simple like being in compassionate and supportive company and sometimes even sitting in silence with someone that you know is on your team emotionally can be so powerful and important. And of course, mental health crises happen too. If you are worried about your own mental health or someone that you care about, please do reach out to your gp. Contact a and e if immediately and urgent, consider calling 1 1 1 for advice or support or the Samaritans, which you can contact 24 hours a day, seven days a week on 1, 1, 6, 1, 2, 3.

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And if you really feel like there's an immediate risk to yourself or others, you can physically take yourself to accident and emergency departments in the UK too. If you are already open to mental health services, do feel free to get in contact with them and to update them on the situation. They might well be able to see you sooner than your next scheduled appointment. And as I said before, shame can keep us silent, but actually we can be pleasantly surprised when we do reach out for that support and we get that validation, we get that support. We get someone who actually is going to look after us in our vulnerable states and maybe continue to check in with us for the days and weeks ahead. You're not alone. You're not a failure for needing support or for finding that helpful. We were never supposed to live in isolation.

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We are kind of mammals and we live in groups and we need to find people who get us, who do make us feel like it's okay to have needs as well as to care for the needs of others. And if you don't have anyone in your life at the moment that kind of meets that bill, maybe this is a chance to do something a little bit different, to join meetup groups, to do something that helps you stack the odds more in your own favour about having people who you vibe with, who resonate with you, who don't make you feel bad, sad, guilty for being yourself. You matter. You deserve to have relationships around you that really help you thrive and help you feel like you're a good enough person. And you might be watching this because you are a big fan of the Aspiring Psychologist Podcast.

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You might be thinking about how can we support people practically? This might be my team members whose lives are suddenly upside down. This might be clients that you work with that you are supporting. And I think holding space and not judging, not blaming, not shaming, asking people how you can help, what would be useful for me to be able to do for you or with you right now? Letting people tell you what they need can be really powerful. And similarly, if it's you that's struggling sometimes telling people or asking people for what would be helpful? Could you come around and have dinner with me tonight? Or could you bring dinner? Or could we go out for dinner? Could we maybe go and grab a coffee together? I'd really value your company. Just think about what your optimum caring would look like. How would you be having your needs met perfectly?

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And how can you strive to either meet those yourself or to ask for the support of others to help you have that? It's important to remember that whilst it might feel awful right now, you won't feel this way forever. Time will change, shame will decrease complicated feelings of guilt, blame self-criticism, and they will hopefully not flow in quite the same way as they are now. It is a cliche that time is a healer, but I do trust that things will change and we'll build our ability to ride this storm. Keep doing what you do. Keep showing up for yourself. Keep staying kind to yourself. Please know that these stormy waters you find yourself in now have absolutely the potential to be calm again in future. But we have this complicated thing. Part of being human is a negative attribution bias where we of course pay attention to the stuff that feels big and scary.

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And we forget that things will change, that things will adapt. People will have less opinions of us. So be kind to yourself. And these tricky brains of ours are very complicated. And when it comes to grief and trauma, they are the real deal. And these brains are supposed to make it better. It is supposed to make us have a better experience of the zebras and the reptiles. It's not always the case. If you are working in a service where you're regularly supporting clients with depression, with trauma, with grief, please do check out our tricky brain kit. And there is a 10 pound off code you can use YouTube 10 to grab yourself or your service 10 pounds off that kit. And of course, if you are grieving or supporting people who are grieving, please do check out the grief Collective stories of life loss and learning to heal.

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It really is a wonderful collection of 54 real life accounts for people who have grieved. And if you are grieving, it is not telling you the grief stages. It's validating your experiences and giving you great ideas for how you can cope, how you can move forward, and how you can really mark the loss and the significance of what is happening to you. And if you are listening on Spotify, there is a brand new feature where you can drop comments and let us know as creators what you think. And that is something that somebody did recently on the episode talking about adult autism assessments and they have said, what a brilliant episode. Thank you so much for covering this topic. Well, you are so welcome. If there are topics that you would find useful for me to cover in this podcast, please do let me know in the comments. Come and connect with me on socials where I'm Dr. Marianne Trent everywhere.

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