What Is Shame? A Psychologist Explains Its Hidden Power

Dr Marianne Trent (: 00:00

Have you ever felt like you with a problem, not just that you made a mistake, but that you were fundamentally flawed, that sinking feeling the urge to hide that voice in your head saying, if people really knew me, they'd walk away. That's shame. And it runs deeper than fear, guilt, or embarrassment. It can shape our sense of self, our relationships, and even our careers. I'm Dr. Marianne, a qualified clinical psychologist, and if any of that resonated, you are in the right place. Let's talk about shame and like and subscribe for more. Hi, welcome along and thank you for being here. So shame can show up in a variety of ways and keep us from fulfilling what might be our full potential. You might be watching this because you yourself are struggling with shame or because someone that you care about is, or maybe even someone that you are working with clinically might be too.

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And in today's episode, we're going to be looking at what shame is, how it shows up in our lives, and what influence it can have on ourselves and those around us too. What is shame? Shame is an intense emotion that makes us feel like there's something wrong with us. At our very core, unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for something we've done, shame is about feeling bad for who we are. It tells us we are unworthy, unlovable, or flawed. There can be a really nice way of thinking about what shame is and how to separate it from guilt. So shame is like a focus on the self. So that's like I am bad, whereas guilt will focus on behaviour like I did something bad. Shame, importantly is often invisible. People might not even be able to name it or kind of get a sense of it, but that doesn't mean that its effects can't still be felt really deeply.

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Brene Brown calls shame the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. So let's take a look. Where does shame come from? It can often develop from childhood. It's about the way that we've been reared and those experiences that we've had when we've done certain things in our lives, they might result from things such as critical or shaming parental style experiences of neglect or abuse, having been bullied, rejected, or isolated messages from school, religion, or society about what is acceptable and what is not. Experiences of racism, homophobia, ableism, or other marginalisation. Even as adults, we can be really well-meaning, but accidentally shame people with the language choices that we use that might look like you should be ashamed of yourself. Don't be silly, stop crying. You're being a baby. Shame can also develop in later life, especially after trauma, rejection, failure or having been humiliated.

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When I was on LinkedIn the other day, I saw a really powerful post where someone had been talking about their experiences on graduation and where they had worn an outfit that they wanted to feel really excited and proud about. So they'd worn a dress probably quite similar to the dress I'm wearing now with their arms out and showing their legs. And somebody had said to them, well, don't you feel ashamed having your body out like that? And that had made her think, actually, no, I don't. This is who I am. This is my authentic self. And it made her think about whether she still wanted to be part of the religion that she had been raised in. So that gives a really nice flavour, a really nice example of how shame can be layered upon us and then reinforced over time by the people around us.

(: 03:46

But of course, we get choices once we get to be grownups. We can choose to do something differently. And more of that will be coming up in episode two about what to do about shame. Today we're taking a really deep dive and unpacking what it is. So how does shame affect us? Oh, shame can be tricky. It can be the must of disguise and it can show up in so many ways, including people pleasing perfectionism, avoidance, self-criticism, substance use or addictive behaviours, disconnection from others, bodily shame or low self-esteem. And it's important to remember that shame thrives in secrecy. When we avoid speaking out loud about shame, that is firmly keeping shame in the driver's seat and in control. I thought it might be really nice to look at a couple of case studies so that we can really illuminate how and why shame shows up for people.

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Firstly, let's meet James. James is a 36-year-old teacher, and he recently found out that his long-term partner had cheated on him rationally. He knew that it wasn't his fault, but the shame hit hard. His internal thoughts were those like, I must be boring. I'm not enough. Everyone's going to think I'm pathetic. Maybe I'm not good enough in bed. He has been withdrawing from his friends, keeping himself busy at work and telling himself to get over it, stop being stupid, man up, all those kind of things. But the shame stays under the surface, unspoken and feels so heavy. Let's now check in with Amina. Amina is an assistant psychologist who applied for training but didn't get in this year, although she has had excellent feedback from her supervisors over the years, and she rationally knows how competitive this process is. She feels crushed and inside her thoughts are spiralling.

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I'm not good enough. I should have done better. Everyone else is progressing and I'm being left behind. Everyone will know that I'm not good enough. She starts avoiding professional spaces online. She doesn't tell her friends what's happening. She feels alone and ashamed. This isn't guilt. Amina didn't do anything wrong, but she feels like she is wrong, like her worth is in question. So why does shame matter? So shame isn't just an emotional experience. It can affect all aspects of our life, including our behaviour, our relationships, and of course our mental health. It can be linked to depression, anxiety, PTSD, disordered eating and low self-esteem in career situations. It can cause paralysis around applying for roles or courses, putting ourselves forward, avoidance of feedback, and of course burnout from overworking to prove our worth. Shame can affect everyone and it can hold us back. It can make us feel like we are missing the opportunities like they're passing us by because we think we're not good enough for them, or that we're somehow internally flawed.

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The importance of naming shame. Shame is powerful, but it does lose its power when we speak about it. This episode is your invitation to recognise your shame, understand its roots, know that you're not alone, and begin to move from shame to self-compassion. We're going to be exploring more of that in this sister episode on what to do about shame and how to treat it. In the meantime, I'd like you to reflect on a few things. Where does shame show up in your life? What stories does shame tell you about yourself, and whose voice might that shame voice be using? If you find yourself in the position of either James or Amina or someone entirely different, please know that things can change, that you can feel differently, and that treatment is available. If you need advice or support, please check out the details on the screen or in the show notes.

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I think it would be disingenuous of me to not share my own experiences of shame, not feeling like I was good enough. Even when I was starting out to write the Grief Collective book, for example, I had this sense of, oh, what might others say? Maybe I'm not good enough to be doing this. Maybe I shouldn't be doing it. Maybe I'm not the right person to be doing this. And the same with our tricky brain, oh dear, like, oh, little old me. I'm not good enough to do this. But we've really got to be able to tune in to the things we're saying about ourselves, and we just can be just a little bit curious. Maybe that's not true. So there's more coming on what to do about shame in future, but please know that you're not alone in this and it affects all of us in all walks of life. If you're watching this because you're an aspiring psychologist, please do check out the Aspiring Psychologist membership run by me. And if it's your time and you're ready for the next step in a more intensive way where you'd like to see me 12 times in a year, one-to-one, then ready to rise is for you. Let's really take this shame, turn it on its head, explode it out the water, and get you to your full potential.

Jingle Guy (: 09:17

If you're looking to become a psychologist, then the.