Grief in Young Adulthood: Losing a Parent Before 30

Dr Marianne Trent (: 00:00

What happens when you are figuring out life six form uni jobs, relationships, and you lose a parent. In this episode, we explore the often overlooked impact of grieving for key attachment figures in young adulthood and how it can shape who we become. It's a powerful and important episode and I hope you find it super useful. Hi, welcome along to the Aspiring Psychologist Podcast. I am Dr. Marianne and I'm a qualified clinical psychologist. Now, grief is a massive and important topic and it's one we have spoken about before on the podcast and it's one that's made me cry on the podcast too today. I almost go there, but not quite. But crying is always okay and it's important and I love the idea of it's the love leaking out. Today we are taking a close look under the microscope of grief, of losing a parent when you are kind of just getting started in your young adulthood and beyond.

(: 01:11

I lost my own father when I was 36 and I consider that pretty young, but of course I know I was lucky to hold onto him for so long. Not everybody is as lucky with their parents, but of course I also would've wanted to keep him for longer. So grief is a process we need to be able to work through. And of course that yearning that comes with it where we want those ends of our lives to come back together and that key important person is missing. We are meeting today Hannah and Harry, and they are both working for its time Charity, which is a very unique charity which supports the needs of people who lost a parent when they were age 16 to 30. Let's dive in and catch up with them now and I will catch you on the other side. Hi, just want to welcome you along to today's episode. Hi Harry and hi Hannah.

Harry (: 02:03

Hello, nice to see you again.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 02:06

Hello, lovely

Hannah (: 02:07

To be here

Dr Marianne Trent (: 02:07

Today. Well, thank you for being here and I know lately there's been a lot of grief in my inner circle. I think there's been about four or five people in the space of about 36 hours who have died. And what I'm learning is people often don't want to talk to you about grief and sometimes people don't want to talk about grief. And so I really salute both of you for doing what you do and for being so happy to come and talk to us about it here today.

Harry (: 02:35

Pleasure. Completely agree. It's a very taboo subject, which is one of the reasons why we set up the charity. It's time to break that taboo and start more conversations.

Hannah (: 02:47

Completely agree. And I almost feel like when I speak about grief it does help me as well to process that grief as well. So I am really excited to be here to help some other people as well. Perfect,

Dr Marianne Trent (: 02:59

Perfect. And I think sometimes people when they speak to you about grief and if it makes you cry, they're like, oh no. Oh, what have I done? Run away. Cheer them up. I'm awful. I should never ask these questions again. And I would say that's just not the case. It's okay that somebody cries and you didn't do it unless you did have a hand in ending that person's life. You didn't do it, but it's sometimes just really nice to be seen and to be validated and for people to talk to you about something that lots of people don't actually.

Harry (: 03:31

No, they don't. And I just wanted what you're saying about crying. It's like the emotions, there's kind of this thing of don't embrace your emotions, but it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel anger. And I think a lot of the emotions you feel when you lose someone close to you are often quite negative, but it's right to feel those and share those and let it all out because if you don't, it only kind of gets worse. So I'm just a big advocate of crying and letting it all out and having those discussions.

Hannah (: 04:05

Completely agree. And just speaking from personal experience, I didn't actually cry at all when my mum died. So my mum died at 17 and I wanted to be this really strong character that could get over it and just show people I'm okay. And it came back to bite me maybe about two, three years later. I remember looking myself at university into my room and I didn't want to talk to anybody and I found it really, really hard. So I'm all for, you need to show your emotions, but I'm also all for that. You might not feel that you need to cry, make sure you just process it the way that you need to process it and it's okay to feel what you feel when you feel it as well.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 04:48

Yeah, I trust yourself to take it in stages really and come back to process the bit you need to when you get there

Harry (: 04:56

And it takes years, don't get me wrong, I lost my dad at 16 years old this year's the 20th year and it took me a very, very, very long time to be able to speak about it. So whilst I say acknowledge your emotions and talk, don't try and rush it. Do it at your own pace as and when you want to, who you want as well. You mentioned inner circle. For me, it took a long time to actually talk to my inner circle. I preferred the discussions with strangers because there was no real judgement there. There was no treading on eggshells and how I might be at a gathering with friends at barbecue in the summer thinking, oh he's his dad's just died. I wanted normalisation in my inner circle and then to have this outer circle where I could be more vulnerable and that actually built my strength up to have the conversations with my inner circle over time. But when I say time, it's 10 to 15 to 20 years rather than six weeks after the event.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 06:05

Yeah. And do you think some aspect of making it easier to share with the inner circle is that people then begin to experience their own griefs and so they have more ability to relate or do you just think it's something about yourself and your development and your confidence or your developing more of an ease with that position?

Hannah (: 06:28

I guess grief is always difficult to speak about and even here it's difficult to speak about, but I think as you grow in that grief and you learn from experiences, it does get easier. You never forget, but it does get easier to speak about and I'm how many years? Nearly 15 years down the road. So now I can have a conversation about it and not necessarily get upset, but in the initial years, the two, three years, a hundred percent I would get upset and it would be really difficult to talk about and then I would just forget about it and concentrate and procrastinate on other things. So I do think that as grief goes on and time goes on, it does get a little bit more easier.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 07:11

And I think even from speaking to both of you today, one of the things with losing a parent earlier in your life is that there's more of a chance that before too long, the years without them are more than the years that you had with them. And I think that's quite a unique pain really.

Harry (: 07:31

Yeah, it is. Once you tip into that kind of halfway mark of I've had more of my life without them than with them, it makes me feel a bit emotional. Actually, just saying it again, that was actually a few years ago now and I think when you are a young adult, so in the 16 to thirties and I was 16, so much of your life happens in those years and that's why for me, I was running away from it a little bit. You finish your A levels, you go to university, you then might go travelling and then you come back in, you are mid twenties and then you start to settle down, you then get married, you might have children, and it all happens in that time. So that whole time I've been without my dad because yeah, he passed away when I was 16 and it is such a, I just remember vividly that moment and it was really tough.

Hannah (: 08:31

Completely agree with you Harry. And I remember there was a point, I think it was about two years ago, so my mom was ill when I was three years old, so she was about 27 and when I hit 27 I was like, oh my gosh, my mom was really young when she did initially get ill. And then I actually had a conversation with my dad a couple weeks ago and throughout the illness that my mum had, it was from let's say 27 and she passed away at 43. So it was quite a long illness. And I was speaking to my dad and I was like, how did you deal with this? Especially because I'm now 31. And at that age he was dealing with a sick wife and a young child and having to navigate life and I was like, I don't even know how to have, I don't know, a pair of socks that aren't odd on. So it kind of made me understand and really appreciate how much my dad had also gone through and to really understand the magnitude of that as well at such a young age.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 09:34

And that really connects with me because I'm 43 now and I think it's only when you begin to get to ages yourself that you've seen your parents be at or that they never got to, that you really have that insight. Because I do feel, I dunno, I still feel about 19 hanging outside the student union, but I know I'm not, but I don't feel that old and I'm 43.

Harry (: 10:03

Yeah, I completely know what you mean. It's also like the life events you go through. So when we had our daughter, I looked at my dad in a completely different way, so he then became a granddad and that triggered my grief because he wasn't just a dad, but he was a granddad to my daughter. So I grieved the fact that he wasn't there for those two roles. So I think as you get older and you embark on different parts of your life, the grief changes, it changes definitions, it changes shapes, it hits you at different times. And I often, I'm just so curious with my mom to be like, what was he like as a dad? What did you do? How did you cope? You had three children, I've only got one. All of these questions, how did he keep his full-time job and manage to juggle all this on the top? There's so many unanswered questions, but I'm kind of just glad I'm actually able to still ask them. Whilst I might not get the answer direct from that person, I just get very curious of looking at it in different ways today.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 11:10

I think that shows you've got real emotional intelligence as well though, Harry, that you are aware and mindful and curious and sometimes asking the questions is enough and we won't always know the answers, but once we've asked the question, we have the ability to answer it ourselves as well. And that can be really powerful as well. You might be, I dunno how old your children are, but you might be bathing them or out on a bike ride and you might be like, oh well this is what I think the answer is and that's okay.

Hannah (: 11:42

No, I was just going to say just a second that one thing that my partner and he's helped me so much with grief always says, I worry about when I have children and that they won't know that grandparent. And he always says, but Hannah, they'll know her through you because you are her. So I don't want to make you cry, Harry. I think as you having a child, I think it's important to remember that your dad lives in you.

Harry (: 12:14

Yeah, a hundred percent. And this is where it's so griefs really difficult, right? Because at times you think, I'm all right, I'm okay, everything's fine. Then just bam, out of nowhere you get a trigger of a different sensation, a different feeling. And that did come quite a lot when my daughter was born. They have things at nursery where they're like print photos of their grandparents and take them in. And what makes me sad and will make me sad for the rest of my life is that in when my dad died, it wasn't the era of smartphones and instant photos everywhere. And we meet a lot of people through the charity who share amazing memories of their parent or parents and some of the photos and videos are just quite beautiful and they have those memories. It is quite hard sometimes that you don't have the instant photos and reels and reels and videos on your phone. But yeah, there are moments where the nursery asks for those kinds of things and it is really difficult to difficult moment

Dr Marianne Trent (: 13:28

And that everybody else in the cohort's probably got grandparents with grey hair, bald heads, glasses. And your image of your dad might be quite different to that in that setup.

Harry (: 13:40

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I mean he's probably aged quite a lot now, right? It's probably you got a lot of grey hair, but like I say, it's tough. You can't really prepare for any of this. You can think you are prepared, but there's still moments of where you get these triggers and you have to manoeuvre and pull on your mechanisms you put into place to help you through it. And that could be crying, that could be going for a run, that could be talking, that could be doing some art, could be journaling. There's a variety of different things. It is challenging and it always will be, but in a positive way, it's good to still feel that because that's still love and longing for that person 20 years later when they're not even here. If I didn't feel any grief or sadness, I'd be worried, but I do every single day and that's just because of I just love him and I always will.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 14:41

Yeah, good. And I know when I watched, I have to confess, I did watch the Harry and Meghan documentary series that then they were talking Diana, granny Diana, and they had a photo of her and would take the babies over and talk to her and talk about her. And that was something I've always done with my dad as well, keeping him alive and telling them stories about him. And I wish I'd asked my granny what it was like to have two boys because there in my family there have never been two boys since my dad. But I think it's only that context that you begin to think, oh, I wish I'd asked that question because honestly some days I'm like, how did she do this? I guess she just sent them out and made them go and play. But yeah, introducing stories about them. So that becomes internalised in your own child's mind about their character and the things they like to do. And what made them unique is one of the ways that I get through. Is that something that you guys do? So perhaps you with your daughter and Hannah, your future spouse, never got a chance to know your mom in the present. I dunno which one of you might want to answer that if either of you

Hannah (: 15:58

I can maybe give a couple examples. Not necessary stories, but my mom was the best cook. I dunno whether it was just my opinion, but she was the best cook. No one could have beaten her. And I wouldn't say the word regret because I couldn't plan it, but plan for it. But I wish I had learned all of her recipes, her fried chicken, her wig Caribbean. So the way that she does her Trinidadian stew chicken. And I've tried to reinvent for my partner and hopefully for my children to be in the future, but that's been quite tough because I know she was such a good cook and I really want my family for that to carry on. So I do go around to my auntie who's her sister, and I learn her recipes very similar and they learn from their mom and it's kind of been passed down. So that's something I've tried to do and something I really wish I had asked her a bit more about because when you're a 15-year-old girl, 14-year-old girl who wants to learn how to cook, but now the 31-year-old, Hannah definitely wants to learn how to cook with her recipes.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 17:07

Do you find yourself, when you see it on signs, do you find yourself ordering it just in case it's the one so you can and have this is it, this is it?

Hannah (: 17:19

A hundred percent. And we went to Barbados a couple years ago and there's a Caribbean dish it's roti with, we actually say instead of chicken curry, we say curry chicken. And it tasted really similar and I do remember getting a bit teary and being like, oh my gosh, I haven't tasted this in so long. But those are the memories which make me really happy. Remembering the house and the kitchen full of just the most beautiful. She used to make me breakfast every Sunday morning like a big fry up. So I try to live on a memory through those moments and try to carry those on as well.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 18:00

And any children you have in future? I'm guessing Sunday mornings are going to be quite the occasion.

Hannah (: 18:05

Oh of course it will be. Yeah. Love a fry up.

Harry (: 18:11

You've made me really hungry by the way. Lunchtime and all of that sound of food is amazing now. I think for me it's try and remember habits and things that I've done at key moments like Christmas and New Year's when we grew up, my dad used to do getting the Christmas tree from a certain place. He put the star on the top or the angel and we've still got that angel, one of my sisters or I've got it, I can't remember off the top of my head. But then I grew up in quite a small village, which it was really nice community. Granted bad news travels fast, but there's a lot of people that knew my dad there. And just being there sometimes is really nice just chatting about it and hearing stories. And my mom's best friends with his best friends still and all that kind of stuff. And it's really nice to keep in touch with all of his friends and see them at special occasions and special moments as well. You might not talk about it, but it's just underlying nod of the hat he's here as well type thing.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 19:23

Yeah, I totally agree. So are there any ways that if you're watching this and either you are a therapist or you are watching this because maybe someone has lost a parent, are there any ways you can be a really great friend or support to someone that's experiencing this? How could we hold their unique needs in mind?

Hannah (: 19:46

So I guess just a couple of things that spring to mind. I would say don't assume. So your friend may be grieving and they may be showing signs of upset, being upset, being happy, et cetera. And that's just the way they're trying to cope. So don't assume that they're going to be upset and want to cry all day. So I think when you lose a parent, you just need a core group around you and sometimes you might want to sit in silence and that's okay. And sometimes they might want to go out on the down and have a drink that's also okay. So I would just say just be there for them and if they want to talk about it, just let them and let them just talk at you. And sometimes it's okay just to listen and not have an opinion. So

Harry (: 20:38

Yeah, that was one of mine is just being here for them. Just listen. They will I'm sure talk to you and just want you to listen. So that was one of my things. My other one is be normal. Be normal. If I've lost my parent and I reach out to a friend to be like, let's go to the pub, just be normal. Be like, let's get a drink, let's go on a fruit machine, let's play pool. Be as normal as possible so it doesn't feel even bigger than what's going on in their head anyway, because if they don't feel like they can be normal in their own comfortable environment, then it will only make things worse. And then the last one was if your relationship with your inner circle, your best friends is super tight in my view, don't be, let me know if you need anything or let me know if I can bring something over.

(: 21:41

Go round, take them dinner or go out, get them in your car and go for a coffee or go for a walk or go for a jog. I'm not saying be aggressive with it, but be like, I'm coming over tonight at eight o'clock, I'm going to bring dinner. Is that okay? Rather than let me know if I can bring dinner around one night, that to me is kind of like, okay, yes, rather than, okay, I'll let you know. And that's just my other one of be like, don't be so passive but be like, yeah, you know what I'm trying to say.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 22:16

Yeah, I guess hold someone in mind. Come up with practical ways that you can support them. I guess similarly to when people have babies think, oh, I'll leave them alone. It's like, actually no, if you could come around and drop off some food that would be ace if you could hold the baby while I have a shower. It's just thinking about practical ways you can support that might also be emotionally comforting as well. And just even if you live remotely distance from someone, I think it's always okay to regularly check in and like you say, just be the biggest person you can manage to be and trust them to say if they don't want that or don't want that support from you or are not ready for that at that time. But I think in my experience, grief can feel like a very, very noisy vacuum of sound where people are, oh initially lots of support than radio silence.

(: 23:19

And I think having someone have grief experience does make them usually better at knowing that it's okay to rock the boat, but not always. Even yesterday, so we've been talking a lot about death in my family the last couple of days and we were talking, I was writing a card, not like with sympathy card, just a nice card with a nice message on the front and I was writing that and I became emotional as I was writing it. And my husband was like, why are you doing that? Why are you sending that if you died? That's the last thing I would want is someone sending me a card reminding me that you were died? I want to not talk about it. And I said, well funny you say that because if I die I would expect it to be like Harry Potter's letter scene in here.

(: 24:09

I would expect the cards to be coming through everywhere and I want people to come to my funeral and be really sad. I'm okay with demonstrations of grief. And he was like, well, I'll seal up the letterbox. And I was like, clearly you've not watched Harry Potter recently. That doesn't work. They will come through the chimney. But people do grieve in different ways, but still I think we should do a thing which shows we are human and allow the person to need something different but allow them to be able to tell us what they need. I

Hannah (: 24:40

Completely agree with you and I guess something that I've always appreciated 14, 15 years down the road is when it's days like Mother's Day or the anniversary of my mom, my core group, my really best friends, they always remember and they just send me a message and it actually really helps. I would just be like, oh, they've actually thought about it and it almost just makes me feel a little bit more better on those days. I always remember those dates, but it just means that extra something when they do. So I really appreciate it. And just speaking about when it really resonated when you were just speaking about when somebody initially dies, when a parent initially dies up until the funeral, you don't really remember because there's so many people around you. But as soon as the funeral's done and those doors close, it's quite quiet, it's very quiet and you almost feel a bit alone and you are like, whoa, what do I do? And it's those times which I think is very important to reach out to your friends or your family who are going through this and to check in because that's a really hard time.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 25:47

Something I do with people who've lost people is when I send a Christmas card, which doesn't happen that often anymore, but I will still sometimes while I know especially its first years without somebody, I will write them a Christmas card and I will write it to the family who live there. But I will also say and thinking of so that their name appears in the card and I've been told that's very much appreciated because they haven't stopped becoming part of the family, just they're no longer living. And of course recognising that they might be having a difficult time that Christmas or that birthday because that person's not there. Oh, it's hard isn't it, to talk about this stuff. You probably hear it in my voice for those who listen on a podcast, it just gets these emotional juices flowing. But because it matters,

Harry (: 26:35

Yeah, it really does matter. And I think the things that I think of as we've just been chatting now are people have different love languages. So a lot of people go away and do an action, action something for me that's your way of showing me love. Or some people like the communication, some people like the touch and the hugging, some the holding hands and some people like gifts griefs similar in a way and that's what needs to be remembered sometimes when you're thinking about how can I support the other person is what would they want? Would they want me calling them three times a day asking them how they are? So I wouldn't, no way, but I'm an action person so I'd be like, come over, let's do this type thing. And I think that's the key thing is try and take a step back before you rush to do something to try and help someone and think what does that person want and what do I think that they need? And try and get the blend to be able to do some to help them not just once but several times. And I think often you can rush into it and get it very, very wrong.

(: 27:48

And then just the love languages bit came into my head about how people have different communication styles as well where there's so much that comes into it when you're facing trying to support people who are going through grief.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 28:03

Okay, I'm just thinking about coping strategies really. And I'm aware that it would be physically possible for somebody to lose a parent before that child has even been born. A dad could pass away and they'd never got to meet them. So there's a big span of age that we could be talking about. And I know your charity, it's time to support people from 16 to 25. But thinking about coping strategies, my experiences of being around people who'd lost parents when they were in their primary or secondary years was they did seem to be more likely to use recreational drugs and alcohol at an earlier age to, I dunno, test limits, to act out against the system to try and self-soothe or self-medicate themselves. And I'm guessing supporting people 16 to 25, this is a typical age for exploration anyway, but it can leave people feeling quite untethered and without those kind of another stabilising factor to kind of tell you no or to give you a reason to stay home and to be nurtured and loved. It's really hard growing young people and keeping them safe. But yeah, I think the loss of a parent, this can happen with separation relationships as well, but the permanent loss of a parent can be so destabilising at a time when life is already destabilising enough. Could we speak a little bit to if you feel able to substances, ways of coping and trying to keep ourselves safe and knowing we don't need to punish ourselves really.

Hannah (: 29:51

I guess when you were just speaking about that, it did resonate a little bit. So my mom passed away in November, 2011, hopefully I've got that right and I went off to university kind of about the next year and I had a great time. I was drinking every night and having fun, but you naturally do when you do go to university and you've got freedom for the first time I was really bad at speaking to my dad, so he got angry at me quite a lot because I might go a week without checking in on him. And I think that was partly because one, I'm in a new place, I've got new friends, I'm having fun at university, but two, I had never really dealt with my grief. It had been less than a year since I lost my mom, but that was at university and it was a struggle.

(: 30:44

And now looking back I don't regret, but I do appreciate that it could have been so much worse if I hadn't had core things around me. So I'm very lucky that I had my mom's friends and my aunties who almost took on that mother role and made sure I was okay. So just some feedback for anyone that's watching this that is a mother figure of somebody that has lost a parent or a father figure that has lost the parent check in on that person and I think it's very much appreciated if you kind of take them under your wing as well. I had a call set of friends as well who always checked in and we mentioned that a bit earlier. So I would say I don't think you're ever going to get away with trying and pushing barriers when a parent dies, but I do think that the community that you have around you can certainly help you and help you deal with it in a better way.

Harry (: 31:50

I was 16 years old when my dad died and yeah, I kind of was in a similar place in my life where I went to university. I had a good few years there. I was very, very lucky to have an incredible group of friends there, which made it a lot easier. There was a lot of partying and I personally haven't ever done any drug abuse or anything like that. I wasn't part of my grief journey, but I've seen and spoke to people who it has been and I think a lot of those people feel it's the solution at the time because of the short term benefit it can bring, but it's definitely not the longer term benefit to help them in their, and I think I don't advise it, I never would, but there's a lot more accessibility and availability of that longer term support in today's world.

(: 32:51

I think back to when I was at uni in 20 2007, I don't think there was really the welfare areas. There wasn't the more mental health availability of different options that students could go and get. So I think that with what is available in today's world, even social media, yes there's a lot of negatives to it, but one of our main things is people being able to relate with a lot of social media stuff that we do at the charity. And I think sometimes even if you lost a parent at five and you were now 25, there's things that you see and find online which gives you a little bit of a comfort blanket to maybe take a bit of a step in the door or even liking a social media post feels like you're part of something. And I think back in the day that wasn't really a thing. So I think having that is a little bit of a comfort blanket for people to feel like they are part of a community and it just builds confidence for them to take steps into communicating more with other people, joining future events, sharing their story. But yeah, it is super difficult at the time, especially when you're in that short term mindset of thinking that nothing is going to ever make this better. So I would take any opportunity I can get to try, but sometimes those choices aren't the right ones.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 34:18

What I would say is speaking as a clinical psychologist who does lots of trauma work and does lots of grief work, is that, yeah, it doesn't necessarily make it better. It doesn't gaslight us into forgetting that it happened, but if we can work through any trauma aspects of this using a therapy such as EMDR, so eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing, it means that the trauma elements lay flat so that we can think about those without tripping over them. And then we're just left with the grief elements, which many of my clients tell me they're all right with. And actually they want to hold onto the grief, they don't want to hold onto the trauma. And if you've lost a parent in sudden circumstances, you may even have been there, you may have witnessed it, you may have had to get involved in CPR or if you've witnessed somebody become very unwell, all of those things can be traumatic in themselves and sometimes even how we get told about somebody dying that can trip us up as a trauma and make us kind of fearful of answering the phone for example.

(: 35:18

So if we can really empower ourselves and those around us to really think about accessing treatment or therapy is not going to make you forget the person. It's not going to make you stop loving them, but if it helps you to live with a life where you are less dominated and consumed by pain that makes each day feel impossible, then it's absolutely worth doing. And then you are free to just navigate the grief. So let's just really be clear what is grief and what is trauma? Because it might feel like it's all one in the same thing, but actually if you find yourself going back to key moments that feel extra especially poignant and painful, that could be a key indication that's trauma and you don't always need to feel that level of intensity about that and that can be changed.

Harry (: 36:12

It's really interesting you say that because I think from my own personal experience and from individuals that I've spoke to in the past is a lot of people give up sometimes once they've had one round of counselling for example, or giving something a go to try and help with what they perceive as the problem behind losing a parent. So my advice is always don't give up if something doesn't work the first time round, take a step back and try and work out what could help. Because like you say, you might be going to address problem A, but it's not actually problem A, that's the problem, it's problem B. So it is really, really interesting you say that about you differentiate between different things that can happen in one moment.

Hannah (: 37:03

And I guess Harry, just something that came into my mind when you were just speaking there, sometimes you might not be ready for it. So we've had situations sometimes where someone might reach out and their parent might have died a couple days ago and sometimes you're not ready to actually really speak about that grief and that's okay. But my story is a little bit different because I remember when my mom died, went to university, had fun as I've mentioned before, and then I tried some facilities at the university and went to one counselling session and was like, this is not for me, never again. And just gave up there. And it was only years later then I thought, actually, let me see what this is about. And it actually did help. So I think everybody will, if you feel like you need services and help, it's when you are ready and don't let anyone tell you you're ready. You have to be ready yourself to get that help.

Harry (: 38:00

A lot of why people give up sometimes is they don't really build a rapport with the other person on the other side of the table. And again, don't label the whole industry based on the fact that you couldn't build a rapport with one person because if you went again, that rapport might get built and then it's completely different experience. These are individuals at the end of the day and they have personalities and you will click with one, you won't click with the other. And if you do it first time, amazing, great, efficient. If you don't do it first time, you could do it the second time. Don't leave that as an unanswered question. Keep going. But again, take your time. You might want to break refresh, but just don't give up and you deserve that. You deserve not to have one round. The one round didn't work, you deserve to get a second round. If that doesn't work, you deserve it. You keep going back until you've built that rapport and you are getting the outputs of what they're there for to help people on their journey.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 39:02

Absolutely. So very important. Thanks for that reminder. So let's hear a little bit about its time charity, what is it, how did it come about and what do you offer?

Hannah (: 39:13

It's time Charity and Harry, I think you touched on a little bit earlier, back in, and I don't know the dates, but let's say the early 2010, sometime you probably know the date, Harry, we identified that there was a gap in the market for people that have lost a parent between roughly the ages of 16 to 30. And it was that those individuals may not necessarily have the help in society and so the charity was founded by a group of trustees, but essentially we offer support to people that are in that category who have lost the parent. We offer a community, so we run things like walk and talk and meet and Grief, which are essentially one's online, one's walking, and essentially it's a base for people to meet up and really talk about their grief and really relate to people that are going through something similar. We also have a walk in memory as well, so every year we do a walk in memory where you can walk for the person that you've lost. We help businesses write some of, I guess their documents, which can help people with grief and also charity aspects as well. So we do a lot of fundraising as well. And also clinical therapy as well. We offer that as well. But in groups we are looking to start do an individual, but that will come hopefully soon I guess. Harry, anything else you wanted to add?

Harry (: 40:37

No, you nailed that. I just think that the charity over the last few years of its existence has grown. I'm really, really proud as a trustee to see it grow over the four years. But the reason why it's grown is because we put the people in our community first and we bring them also to the table. So we have volunteers who take up positions in the charity to help grow certain pillars of it, such as the de and I bit marketing, the branding and corporate fundraisings. We then have an advisory panel who are all volunteers who have again, a seat at the table and help us inform our strategy, the direction we want to go, tactics that we can put into place, products and services. We try and all work together to move it all in the right direction and is really, as I said, super proud to have seen where it's grown and the community that we've built and there's options for everyone.

(: 41:38

Like I said, if someone wants to just like that Instagram photo and feel a part of it, they can do. People want to get involved and help grow and focus on certain things, host certain things, do things in their local area, they can, I feel we are a bit of a blank canvas where we can do anything within reason and we are not rigid to doing this and this. And that's what's really exciting about us and the future's exciting and really, really proud of the team we have as well. All the trustees and the staff members that we have who work on the charity day in day out and whip us into shape when they need us.

Hannah (: 42:19

One thing I was just going to add is over the last, let's say two years, we've really grown through our social media platforms and one thing that has really resonated, which I didn't really anticipate was how many people were actually impacted and how many people are actually going through this within the uk. And it's really nice to see that the charity is helping these individuals find a safe space to discuss their grief and to meet people that are going through similar things and hopefully we continue to grow as much as we have been.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 42:53

Thank you. What are your social media handles and where do you hang out and what's your website?

Hannah (: 42:59

Website, which you can find us and all the information is our at www dot it's time charity.co uk. Similar Larry, you've got the Instagram handle, it's time charity and TikTok as well, which has been growing as well. So those are the three main channels, actually a lie. We've also got LinkedIn where you'll be able to find us on its time charity, which we are quite vocal now as well.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 43:25

Amazing. Thank you. I love LinkedIn. It's my guilty pleasure. Thank you so much for your time, both of you, and for talking about something that I know is emotional, but it's so important and kudos to you guys for doing what you do with its time because yeah, it really does validate people and like you say, there's not anything else out there that's similar. You guys are it. So if people want to donate money, can they do that via your website as well?

Hannah (: 43:54

Yes, there's a direct link you can click through and can donate.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 43:59

Great. Thank you so much for your time. Wishing you well with your impending nuptials, Hannah, and with everything that comes with you. Harry,

Harry (: 44:07

Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. It's really, really appreciate it. It was lovely talking,

Hannah (: 44:12

Amazing. No, thank you very much and really appreciated speaking today with you.

Dr Marianne Trent (: 44:17

Thank you. Thank you so much for your time in watching this episode and to Harry and Hannah for speaking with us. If you do rate this episode, it would mean the world if you would like it, if you would subscribe, if you'd follow the show, if you drop a comment, let's start a wave of compassion in the comments on YouTube. If this resonates with you because you have lost a parent in your young adulthood, I would love it if you would let us know and let us know if we've hit the mark for you today or if you think there's other areas we should have and could cutoff covered, please do go along and give the guys at it's time charity a follow on TikTok and on LinkedIn and on Instagram and do check out their website. If you've got any spare money and you'd like to support the cause, please do. If you would like to feel supported in your grief, don't forget. There's also the Grief Collective book, which gets wonderful reviews and really does help expand these conversations on grief too. If you rate any creator anywhere, the kindest thing you can do for free is to subscribe or follow their show. So please, if you do enjoy this content, please do consider doing that for me. Now if you're looking to become

Jingle Guy (: 45:32

A psychologist, then the.